An Honest Start

Well, here I am! I’m really starting a blog. Can I be honest? I’m scared out of my mind.

Well, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. But I would be lying (big time) if I said that I felt totally confident and only excited about this. Content creation has been a dream of mine for over a decade. Shouldn’t I be over the moon about the chance to pursue it? Well, yes and no. Let me explain.

I think it comes down to this: I am not a risk-taker. In fact, I could probably call myself straight-up risk averse. I’ve always known this about myself, although it has evolved as I’ve gotten older. When I was young, it largely manifested in being an anxious rule-follower. But now as an adult, the most interesting way I’ve seen this play out is in how I decide to use my time and which hobbies or projects I take on. My pragmatic side always has a slew of convincing arguments as to why I shouldn’t indulge in a “frivolous” creative endeavor – whether it’s too costly, has no guaranteed productive outcome, or simply seems like something others would judge me for (hard to admit, but definitely true). And this blog has not been spared from that intrusion, unfortunately.

Realistically, the whole reason a dream is called a dream is because it’s not inherently practical; it comes with natural risk attached! So when you’ve spent a lot of your life cautiously analyzing every move you make to avoid negative outcomes, it can be hard to admit to even having a dream, much less actually pursuing one. This whole process has made me realize that this blog is fulfilling a much bigger dream than I’ve wanted to admit, even to myself. So while starting a blog might seem fairly low risk to some, that’s not how it feels to me. Despite the fact that I’ve been trying to tell myself all the fluffy, soothing things, such as:

“It’s just a blog!… It doesn’t matter if nobody reads it!… This is just an outlet for your thoughts!… Who cares what people think?” (etc, etc) – in reality, I’m not convinced.

In reality, it does matter to me if nobody reads it, and I do care what people think!

All that to say, I’ve spent an unsettling amount of time overthinking the start of this blog, trying to determine if it’s worth it. And, unsurprisingly, the possible negatives have thrown me into a mild “there’s no way I’m going to go through with this” crisis at least once a day. To make things easy, here’s a little bulleted list for you of the main “potential reasons why not” my practical (and fearful) side has been lobbing at me over the past few weeks:

• Nobody even reads blogs anymore.
• Your friends will probably only read it out of obligation.
• The people in your life are going to think you’re wasting your time.
• How will you ever reach a wider audience than the people you know in real life?
• You’re going to put yourself out there and end up disappointed.
• What if it isn’t successful?

(Of course, there are also many reasons why I do think it’s probably worth it – otherwise, there wouldn’t be anything to talk about! But I’ll get to the positives in a bit.)

Although I would generally consider myself a verbal processor, I have had an unusually difficult time allowing these thoughts to make it past my head and out of my mouth. But just the other night, as I had another crisis moment, I finally found the words to express these feelings to my husband and actually get them off my chest. His questions and encouragement helped me really be honest about the root of my fears – I have been allowing “the fear of man” that they talk about in scripture to overshadow the truth of being hidden in Christ.

This concept is discussed all over scripture, but this verse in Proverbs sums it up very succinctly:

“The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe”

Proverbs 29:25

Okay… so I am not good at believing this. At least, not that last part. I mean, I can definitely see the fear of man laying a lot of snares for me, but I certainly don’t act like the Lord is keeping me safe. And my husband graciously pointed this out to me as I whined about all the ways I could end up disappointed. He said “Elena, no matter how many people do or don’t read your blog, it doesn’t change your worth to me or to the Lord. No matter what you do, you are safe with Jesus!”.

Wow, did I need to hear that. How convicting, yet how encouraging. Because I have felt nothing but green lights from the Lord in this process, I have no reason to fear.

I would love to say: “And then all my fears went away and I felt fully confident about starting this blog!”… wouldn’t that be nice? But of course not, that’s not really how it works most of the time. Usually, leaning into and really believing truth from scripture takes untold amounts of time and tonnns of redirecting from the Holy Spirit. Despite that dissonance, though, God’s word is still true. Many of those potential negatives I listed very well could happen, which is why they’re such convincing arguments! But, if we are believers, being hidden in Christ means we really are safe with Jesus, no matter what the world thinks of us.

And in light of that, what is “success”, really?

In this case, if I define success as “this blog will have a giant platform with thousands of people reading it and resonating with what I say, and nobody will ever judge me for it or have any bad opinion about it”, then of course that looks like a pretty bleak outcome. How much higher can my standards get? Now, don’t get me wrong – I do have hopes and dreams for the growth of this blog. But being reminded to put this into a more heavenly perspective helped me to start redefining what I consider success, and focus more on the real “whys” of this endeavor.

I have been told by several people in my life that I have a gift for putting feelings and experiences to words. It’s up to you, reader, to decide if you agree with them or not! But I certainly love to do it – especially if describing my experiences helps anyone else to find the words to describe their own. That’s where my heart really is in this blog, and that’s the biggest “why” that should overshadow all the “why nots” – using a gift that the Lord has given me to (hopefully) benefit the world in some way.

So, to wrap up this ramble, here are some of the things I’m most excited for about this:

• I get to write about things I love and think are important!
• I may be able to help someone else put their experiences or feelings to words!
• I have the opportunity to connect with people I don’t know!
• I am pushing aside my inner critic to follow a dream!
• I get to have fun designing a visually appealing website experience!
• I get to trust in Christ for my ultimate worth and value in a new way!

Admitting to and starting to chase after a dream is vulnerable. It just is! But I can be confident that I am safe with Jesus no matter the outcome of this little, worldly project of mine. Am I going to be good at believing that all of the time? Definitely not. God is more powerful than my wavy ways, though, and even they can’t stop His good for me (no matter how swaying they feel).