How Nannying Full-Time Changed Me

Although I am only nannying part-time these days, less than a year ago I was doing it five days a week to support my husband through school. And honestly, the Lord used that experience to change me in a big way I didn’t expect! But let’s back up a bit first.

I have been taking care of other peoples’ children for as long as I’ve been allowed to. Ever since I was young, all I wanted to be when I grew up was a mom! And when I say young, I mean really young – when I was 4, I went to preschool career day… as a mom. But obviously, there were several things that had to happen before I could become a mom; namely, having a husband and being old enough (how rude). So as soon as I could, I turned to the next best thing and sought to take care of babies in other families. I started by volunteering in the nursery at church, which got me connected with my first paid babysitting jobs by the age of 13.

It became such a big part of my life that I never even wanted a “real” job until I was in college, earning all my fun money in high school from the weekend gigs that I took on. I could spend a long time talking about all my different babysitting experiences – but the main point is that I totally loved it.

Despite that history, I honestly did not expect to be doing it as my big girl job at this point in my life. But when the Lord led me away from my job in interior design a year ago, which is a long story for another time, it became clear to me that returning to childcare was the obvious next step. Consequently, my first foray into the world of career nannying was taking care of a six week old baby 40 hours a week. Whew… what a start, huh? When I accepted the job, I was already quite experienced with tiny, fresh babies so I didn’t feel totally out of my depth.

So given that fact, I did not anticipate how deeply it would make me question my capacity for motherhood… even going so far as to wonder if I wanted to be a mom at all.

Alright – I’m about to seriously expose myself here. As I got acclimated to the job and felt more at home with the family, I noticed my patience wearing thinner and thinner over time. As I’ve said before, I’m an emotional person, and so I am no stranger to swift mood swings. But I loved so much about the job and the baby – he was so cute, and took to me so well. So it was surprising to me how quickly my anger would bubble up when he was crying loudly and I couldn’t identify or meet his needs. At times, I found myself empathizing with those moms who shake their babies in a fit of overwhelm. Now, don’t be alarmed; I would never justify an action like that. But it was beyond humbling to recognize, in my own moments of overstimulation and overwhelm, how my sinful nature could easily lead me down a path like that.

And, friend, it really freaked me out.

That might not sound like a big deal, but when your quickness to anger is exposed to you on a daily basis, especially against a baby who is truly helpless, it can be alarming. Every hard day I had, I would find myself thinking “if this is what motherhood is like, maybe I don’t want it”. Every moment of anger or weakness made me say to myself “there’s no way I’m patient or gentle enough to have my own children”.

Over the course of that job and the jobs I had following it (which were also with babies), I found myself questioning everything I thought I knew about my future. Growing up, the aspiration to be a full-time mom was a no-brainer for me, and I had never questioned it before. It wouldn’t be exaggerating to say that it snowballed into a bit of an existential crisis for me. In the deep places of my heart, I nervously wondered what my earthly purpose could possibly be if it wasn’t raising children.

How did I get over it? Great question. Can I tell you that it isn’t that simple? Honestly, it’s really only been in the last couple of months that the Lord has begun to truly quiet my spirit in this regard. And I would be lying if I said I was fully recovered from those feelings, although thankfully I’ve begun to return to my dream of being a mom. But now I’ve been appropriately humbled to realize that I need to rely on the Holy Spirit in this area a lot more than I ever expected.

I can have all the know-how, experience, and love for babies in the world; but I have come to realize that being open-handed to the Lord’s work in my heart is the only thing that will soften and grow me into a gentle, patient, and understanding mom someday.

Beyond that, I can now better recognize some more practical differences between motherhood and nannying that have helped me be a little more optimistic about the future. There are just some truths about the nature of nannying itself that complicate things, and many of them are heightened by caring for such young children.

When you take care of someone else’s child, nothing you interact with in that space is really your own. The furniture you sit on, the way the kitchen is organized, and the way things are done in the household are all determined by someone else. The beautiful new life you invest your time and energy into nourishing isn’t your own, either. You have very little influence over their clothes, toys, eating and sleeping schedule, or how strict their boundaries are for interacting with the world. Not to mention the fact that you don’t actually have a maternal bond with the child, because they’re not your own!

Obviously that was my reality when babysitting over the years – but it’s much easier to ignore in such small doses. When you do a one-off babysitting job for any given family, you’re just popping in to hang out with someone else’s kids for a few hours and then go home. When you nanny full-time, you essentially stand-in for the role of “Mom” for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, with virtually no control over your environment. In my particular jobs, I’ve also been unable to drive anywhere with the children and have had consistent supervision from parents who work from home. Talk about constrictive, right?

These are the types of practical factors that distinguish nannying from motherhood. When I am eventually a mom, I will be the one making decisions and setting up my household to fit my family’s needs. Not only that, but when it’s my own child, I will love them with a love like nothing I’ve ever experienced (at least, that’s what I’ve heard). While these things do not solve my need to grow and fight against sin every day, they do help to create a better landscape to do so – one that’s adaptable and fit for embracing the Lord’s guidance in a more holistic way.

When I think of my hopes of motherhood now, I no longer see it with rose-colored glasses as this idyllic, perfect stage of life as I had before. Now, I look ahead and see that if the Lord blesses me with children it will be one of my greatest opportunities to embrace His gentle, loving correction. I know that I will fail often and sin against my children, probably every day. But now I pray for it to be a time that makes me more like Jesus. I’ve already seen the fruit of the Lord’s labor in me in this area – albeit slow-growing fruit – as I’ve fought against my anger and cried out to Him in moments of distress. And I know He will continue to be faithful to change me, because He delights in making His children more like Himself.

So if you’ve ever had any of these thoughts about becoming a parent, you are not alone. But even if we are shaken by our fears and doubts, the Lord is constant and relying on Him for strength is what can carry us through. Wayyyyy easier said than done, and I am absolutely no expert at it. Not even close! But through God’s help, I can keep my eyes lifted – knowing that He’s the one really doing the work.