Sometimes, My ADHD Feels Silly

Since I started things out strong on here with a couple of “deeper” posts, I thought I’d give you a more light-hearted train of thought today. As I’ve mentioned previously, I have ADHD (which is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and was diagnosed at 16 years old. Since that time, I’ve gotten better at understanding the way it affects some of my behaviors and patterns of thinking. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel sort of ridiculous sometimes when I encounter a few of the more difficult or disruptive bits of my nature!

Because I’m usually a rational thinker, I frequently find myself cringing at the various behavioral quirks that stem from my ADHD brain. So I’m totally aware that if you are a “normal”, non-ADHD person, most of these things will probably sound bizarre. You’ll just have to trust me and know that they don’t make sense to me either (lol) – I just know that they are side effects of the ADHD brain, so the best I can do is go easy on myself and laugh it off.

* A little disclaimer: if you’re not educated on ADHD, definitely don’t expect to get educated by this post. This is just a light-hearted reflection on some experiences I deal with day-to-day. There are so many resources online that will be far more informative than this – if you’re curious, I encourage you to do your own digging!*

Without further ado, here are a few ADHD things that honestly make me roll my eyes at myself. Enjoy!

1. I am nearly always 3-5 minutes late. To everything.

It doesn’t seem to matter if it’s a recurring event or a one-time event, something I’m excited for or something I’m dreading – I will almost always be juuuuust past the agreed upon time. If you don’t struggle with time-blindness, you’re probably thinking “but that’s so close! Just leave a little earlier!” – and you would be totally right. It is so close! And that’s what makes it feel so silly. I honestly don’t have a good explanation for it, either, which just makes it worse.

I’m also not casual about it… whenever I’m running late, I’m stressed the entire time. Because, believe it or not, I do want to be on time; and yet, it continues to elude me.

There are multiple things that I hate about it: I hate that people might think I don’t respect their time, I hate that I draw attention myself on a regular basis walking in after everyone else, and I hate not being dependable to get places on time. Literally, it almost feels within my body as if I have a “max capacity” for being on time in a given week or month, and once I hit that invisible quota it’s simply impossible to do. Totally ridiculous, right? I agree!

2. If I sit down to check my phone for 2 seconds, I am at risk of getting stuck in the “Sit Pit”.

The “Sit Pit” is a concept I learned recently that has finally given me a cute little name for this regular nuisance I encounter. I could be having a super productive day – cleaning the house, organizing things, meal prepping; you name it, I’m getting it done. Then I think “oh, I forgot to text ____ back! I’ll just sit here for a second, rest my feet and respond real quick”. Fast forward to an hour (or more) later – I’m still sitting there, eyes glued to the screen, scrolling. There’s plenty more stuff to get done, even stuff that I actually want to do! But there I sit, stuck in the Sit Pit and seemingly unable to unglue my butt from the seat.

And it stinks because from the outside it looks like laziness, understandably! But can it really be considered laziness if the whole time you sit you’re thinking to yourself “Why can’t you get up? You have stuff to do. You really need to stop scrolling. You’re going to be behind if you don’t get a move-on” (etc., etc.) for 2 hours straight? Well, that’s what happens. Lovely, isn’t it?

3. I will be totally obsessed with a new food, and then completely out of nowhere it disgusts me.

This is just a niche type of hyperfixation, which is the word coined to describe the ADHD brain latching on to something obsessively. In this particular case, I will find a new yummy snack, meal, or drink and be completely obsessed – craving it every day, barely able to resist the temptation to indulge, and stocking up on the ingredients needed for it so I can eat it as much as I want. Then all of a sudden, after an unpredictable amount of time (be it days, weeks, or months), it sounds completely repulsive to me. Even just thinking about it or considering eating it makes me lose my appetite.

This becomes super inconvenient when you’ve just stocked up on tortilla chips to make bean dip nachos (just a random example, toootally not from my own life…) and now you have all this surplus that you won’t be able to eat. And I really mean “won’t be able to eat” and not just “don’t want to eat”, because as dramatic as it sounds, that’s what it’s really like. As I’ve said – totally weird, and doesn’t make any sense.

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There are many other things that I could name off, but these are the ones that feel the silliest to me. And, honestly, they specifically feel silly because I don’t have a good explanation for any of them. As you can probably tell by the nature of this blog, it’s pretty important for me to be able to put experiences and feelings into words that others can understand. It doesn’t feel like a real or sufficient enough explanation for me to say things like “I’m sorry I’m late, I have ADHD so I have time-blindness” or “I’m genuinely sorry I didn’t get that done today, my ADHD brain got stuck on something and I couldn’t break away”.

But the fact of the matter is, if you don’t have ADHD you probably won’t fully understand this stuff. And I’m learning that that’s okay! The best I can do is relay my experiences the way I live them, and hope that it builds opportunities for others to understand me and ADHD better. And, it gives me a chance to give myself some grace, too.

My last disclaimer: try not to use this post to “self-diagnose” for ADHD, haha. The average person can also experience these things, just in a lesser dose. Unless I’m taking active steps to avoid these pitfalls, they trip me up on a daily basis – not just every once in a while. My eating habits are in a constant cycle of being obsessed with foods, then having no appetite at all. I arrive late to my job every. single. day. And you can find me in the Sit Pit on the couch, the toilet, or the floor almost every day! What I’ve described here is just a glimpse into how my brain works. If you find yourself genuinely questioning whether or not you could have ADHD, it’s always worth seeing a doctor to get a formal assessment done. But don’t let relatability of this post be enough to convince you :) Okay, I’m stepping off my soapbox now!

I never want to sound like the person who just blames things on their mental illness and won’t take accountability for their shortcomings. There are so many things that I do, and ways that I am, that need to be grown, pushed, and guided by my loved ones and (more importantly) by the Lord! But I’m learning to be okay with recognizing the ways my ADHD creates limitations and challenges for me that can’t just be “fixed” by trying harder. It’s so freeing, and it allows me to really accommodate myself well and ask for help when I need it! That’s the whole reason that a diagnosis like this is helpful, to be able to live your life in a way that supplies what you need to thrive.